Toilet Philosophies

There is an out of order sign on the inside of the bathroom door, to be put outside in the event of a failure… But in my caffeine deprived state, it seemed strangely philosophical. You see that sign as you exit into the real world, as though it is warning you that reality isn’t quite right.
Maybe reality just needs a competent plumber.

As Cats are Wont to do

So last night, one of my cats did as cats do, and entered her litterbox. This is, obviously, not abnormal, so when I went to the basement to play some Dota, my body was not prepared.
Even knowing, nothing could have prepared me.

In all honesty, what I thought had happened was that the larger of my two dogs had to have pooped in a vent, and the air flow somehow directed this cloud of pure death directly into my nostrils. Even this theory paled in comparison to my initial instinct, believing that a herd of no less than 30 cattle had somehow come into my basement, pooped there, and then magically disappeared. The smell was so dense, entering the basement felt like passing through a physical barrier.

I am certain that my overall lifespan was shortened by the event.

I am certain my cat’s lifespan was shortened by the event.

I believe that the lifespan of my house, or rather, the integrity of its load bearing pillars, has been reduced.

I believe that, had my house collapsed, the resulting crater would have been declared uninhabitable by the CDC.

Yesterday morning, had you asked me if a smell could be fatal, I would have said no. Yesterday night, there was a dead spider by my cat’s box, and I know what killed it.

The fires of hell are fueled by that smell. The burning is only secondary torture, and the fires burn only because Satan himself could no longer survive that smell.

When I smelled it, I had a memory flashback to a previous life, and I peed on a rag and put it up to my nose — it had no effect.

Every skunk within 10km of my house decided to never spray again, for they could only be ashamed of themselves.

Cruel people have said that the tears of the dying are delicious, but my tears were saturated with that smell. Had anyone tasted them, they would join me in living death.

Laundry was in the washing machine, still wet. It burst into flames, spontaneously. I was not angry, for those clothes could never be worn again anyway.

It is said that we currently have a wasp problem in the Edmonton area. That would explain the tiny screams I heard, coming from the damned. I no longer fear the wasps, for the speedy have have fled, the slow dying off.

I am glad raspberry season has passed, for bees can no longer pollinate any plant life in my yard.

Nothing will ever grow again, but it is for the best. I did not think plants could become demons, but a new fear has been awakened in me.

It didn’t smell nice is what I am trying to say here.

Such Persuasive. So Convince. Wow.

Good morning, friends! I have come to share with you the Good News of Harry Potter and the Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles (

I know my word is probably not worth investigating this masterpiece, so please allow me to share with you some choice excerpts!

-It’s a good thing Hagrid had saved this child’s soul when he did. With two guardians who were no Christian raising him… If Hagrid had come five years later, Harry would have been a fornicating, drug-addled evolutionist!

-“Hello, little one. I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore, and this is my wife, Minerva!”

-Truly, Minerva is a Proverbs 31 wife!

-“Huffepuffs believe in certain parts of the Bible, but not the parts against fornication, drinking, and socialism. We seem nice and tolerant as long as you agree with us!”

-“Luna thinks she can have a career even though she’s a woman, and women are stupid,” said Draco Malfoy.
“Women shouldn’t not have careers because they are stupid! Women should not have careers because their gifts serve them best in the home!” Harry shouted indignantly.

-Ravenclaws believe that women are inferior to men. Draco Malfoy is a Ravenclaw, and all Ravenclaws should become good, Bible reading Gryffindors!

-(Ed. Note: In this fic, Hermione is Dumbledore’s daughter) “My father says that dark times are coming,” Hermione spoke worriedly. “There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy everything we stand for! He is pushing an agenda in Congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely!”
“It will be alright,” Harry reassured her manfully (Ed. note: Yes. Manfully.). “We will just need to pray really, really hard!”

-“You should become a Ravenclaw! We are the best!” said Malfoy.
“No, Ravenclaws are the most HATEFUL!” Harry said cleverly (Ed. note: SO CLEVER RIGHT NOW!)
WELL?! Is your soul not saved yet?!