Good morning, friends! I have come to share with you the Good News of Harry Potter and the Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles (https://m.fanfiction.net/s/10644439/1/)
I know my word is probably not worth investigating this masterpiece, so please allow me to share with you some choice excerpts!
-It’s a good thing Hagrid had saved this child’s soul when he did. With two guardians who were no Christian raising him… If Hagrid had come five years later, Harry would have been a fornicating, drug-addled evolutionist!
-“Hello, little one. I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore, and this is my wife, Minerva!”
-Truly, Minerva is a Proverbs 31 wife!
-“Huffepuffs believe in certain parts of the Bible, but not the parts against fornication, drinking, and socialism. We seem nice and tolerant as long as you agree with us!”
-“Luna thinks she can have a career even though she’s a woman, and women are stupid,” said Draco Malfoy.
“Women shouldn’t not have careers because they are stupid! Women should not have careers because their gifts serve them best in the home!” Harry shouted indignantly.
-Ravenclaws believe that women are inferior to men. Draco Malfoy is a Ravenclaw, and all Ravenclaws should become good, Bible reading Gryffindors!
-(Ed. Note: In this fic, Hermione is Dumbledore’s daughter) “My father says that dark times are coming,” Hermione spoke worriedly. “There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy everything we stand for! He is pushing an agenda in Congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely!”
“It will be alright,” Harry reassured her manfully (Ed. note: Yes. Manfully.). “We will just need to pray really, really hard!”
-“You should become a Ravenclaw! We are the best!” said Malfoy.
“No, Ravenclaws are the most HATEFUL!” Harry said cleverly (Ed. note: SO CLEVER RIGHT NOW!)
WELL?! Is your soul not saved yet?!